The Days before blogging...

So remember those days before there was Blogging, and before the days when people posted their lives on facebook? Those days when we would write our thoughts and experiences down on paper, with a pen or some sort of non-electronic writing utensil? Well I did just that last night!!!!! =)

A long long time ago (December 1st 2005), this book was given to me by a very dear friend, Shannon. It has been one of the greatest gifts I have been given. It was given to me at a time when I needed an outlet and couldn't get it out. So It has some of my deepest(darkest) feelings in it. I have only filled up about half the pages. But quantity is not what this book is about. 

It has things in it from very personal thoughts to conference notes, to odd drawings because I couldn't put what I was feeling into words. 

The other night I was having one of those deeps nights and I needed to write those feelings down. Not to advertise them to the world but to write them down where they will always be. The emotions were high (in a very good way) and I wanted to get them out in a very healthy productive way. I had forgotten what it was like to just write. And to write things down that you know no one will ever read (not even you Mr. Scrust). Unless for some reason someone were to steal it and betray my far too, easily given trust. Just write and write until the feelings are out there, and you can think without them clogging in your brain and heart. Or until you can no longer stand to hold the pen any longer.  I even wrote it all legibly, well at least more legibly than I usually write. 

It was nice to write, actually put pen to paper and write. I am not an author, I barely passed my English 1010 class, but I like to think that what I write is congressional library quality. Even though I will not let anyone read it or judge it in a way like that. It is great writing just like I am a phenomenal singer when no one else is around to tell me other wise. 

Anyway...Love my journal, I love having the ability to read and write. I love having friends who know what is needed. And I just love great friends. Friends make the world go round. Thank you world, Thanks you friends, Thank you mom and dad, thank you teachers who taught me how to read and write, thank you God for giving me emotion and everything else in this world!!!!!

Part of the man behind the Shadow growing up!

Not to make everyone panic. I am not suicidal. I really do love my life and am excited to see where it will take me. I love my family and my friends.

Suicide IS something that I have thought a lot about in the past and recent past. (Again, I am not suicidal. I have no plans to kill myself.) But it is something that I have taken quite a bit of thought about.

I am guessing I have minor depression issues (according to some of my friends I am clinically insane, but they call me friend so you know they can't be all that sane either) ;)

Growing up I have always been one to keep things to myself. (Even if you don't think I do, you would be amazed at what I don't say out loud). One of my families favorite things to tell about me is about my ability to hold something in until it is most everyone else has forgotten about it, and then let it out. My mom tells of the time that we were living in Y mount terrace at BYU and us kids a long with the neighbor kids were playing outside and one of the other kids did something to me and I just let it go, until their back was turned and they had forgotten about it, I went up and BIT them. I am still that way to some degree. I bottle things up until I can no longer handle it and just let it out. 

In school I can only think of two people who really picked on me. One was JB (for the sake of privacy I guess), and the other was JS. JB picked on me in middle school. JS didn't really join in until high school. I recall one moment in Hurricane Middle school walking down the hall toward the Commons Area (lunch area) just minding my own business and all of the sudden I was on the floor. JB had come up behind me and kicked me in the back. That was 14 years ago. I still remember it very well. Later, in high school he and JS would make fun of me for being gay. I wasn't out. I wasn't even out to myself back then. They would make fun of me about my relationship with my best friend. I don't know if my best friend at the time ever got any flack for it. But I did. I remember that so well because JS was my bishops son. And we had had some really amazing conversations before. Like the kind you don't easily forget. Like you really connect and can feel what the other is feeling and such. And here he was making fun of me and calling me gay. It killed me. I bottled that up inside me.

I would bottle it up inside so much that I had become numb to emotion. I don't think I cried from high school until while on my mission and then some time after. I was emotionally numb  to life. 

In high school I remember first having the thought…"I could so easily drive my car off the road right now and roll down that hill into that raven and everything will be over." "I mean one flick of the wheel and this can all end." 

I don't know what it was that kept me from doing that. I don't know if it was the thought of my family or what friends I did have. Or maybe it was the thought of wrecking my beloved car. (good ol' gev. may he rest in peace.)But I am here today so obviously I didn't do it…. TO BE CONTINUED!!!

True Friends

The more I learn of myself the more I dislike myself. I believe this is the case with everyone in my life as well. The more someone gets to know me the fewer friends I have. I have few friends who I can say other wise, and why they are still around is such a mystery to me. I really struggle when people whom I want to be accepted by reject me and hurt me. It lingers for a really long time. I don’t make a lot of friends, but the friends that I make are most definitely quality. That is why when one of them breaks my trust and my heart, it hurts so badly. And when another one tells me that being around me is not his favorite thing. It burns. I make friends for keeps not just to have a big number. I am not a friend whore; I won’t call you a friend unless I actually consider you a friend. Now to help me realize what I actually have, and to show you all what true friends are, My bestest best friend Harrison…

Harrison: We met under… let’s just say… we met under unusual circumstances. We met just about a year ago. In the past year we have been through a lot together. A lot of annoyances, hate-filled conversations, a lot of mistrust, misuse, a lot of care and concern, a lot of rough days, but also a lot of great times, and most importantly a lot of love. No matter how crappy I treat him he is there. He is there for me no matter the time of day, or how angry I am. Has been one of my best friends that I have ever had. Even a couple of weeks ago when I wasn’t in my right mind I told him that if he loved me and was a true friend he would just let me die, I wanted to die so badly, He wouldn’t listen to me, that little shit!!! Even now if I were to go to him and tell him what I am feeling, even though he is with his friends right now, he would talk to me. He would help me understand what is going on. He would help me in his own frustrating way to get through it. Many people don’t believe me when I say that Harrison is freaking awesome, but he really is. If you don’t believe me just find out for yourself. You have to actually get to know him, But he is loyal, and kind, and loving, and genuine, and…!! I know that Harrison would be there for me even if I did do something stupid. He would even make up some stupid story that no one would believe just to help me not look so pathetic. I love this man and will always be true to him because he has always been true to me even in our rough times. And those who can call him friend consider yourselves lucky!!! =)

And the most recent person whom I consider to be lucky to be friends with me is, Jalopy. He is this really cool guy who sneak attacked me into a date with him. He is so sneaky. We have been friends for almost a year, but due to some ‘situations’ we never really got close, we would chat once in a long while and then not chat again for a long while. But then the AMAZING musical RENT came to town and we went together with a few other people. He sure knew what he was doing. I have not been ready to date due to the recent breaking of my heart and destroying of my trust in other people. But he did just the right things and said the right things and was just the right guy. Jalopy is someone who I have always considered a great guy. But in the past few weeks as we have talked and chatted I have come to find out that he is incredible. He has his head securely fastened and he loves himself unlike a lot of people I know, He has goals and desires for his life. He talks to me like I am someone to care about and not just a project or a client. He is by far too good for me and I don’t know what it is that he see’s in me! I hope that when He gets to know me better he doesn’t run away. He makes me feel great about myself. Back a few weeks ago I posted on the Great Book of Face that I wanted someone that had a weird that matches mine. Well jalopy is weird and his weird and my weird match really well. He doesn’t judge me when I start dancing in public or when I sing in weird obnoxious voices. Or when I do Braden characteristic things. He likes me and I like him. Haha!! And if any of you that may possibly be reading this don’t know, I am gay!! Haha

Well anyway this has gone on far too long already, I have many more amazing people in my life, and someday I will introduce them all to you. Here to list a few; Brittany P., Erica J., Nicholass, Spencer, Nicole S., and through Harrison- Tylor T., and many more!!!! I love you all and hope that I don’t and won’t disappoint you too much throughout the time that we know each other

And thanks to Jordan for helping me get this posted correctly! haha
Braden