Out Running Depression

So many of you know I struggle with depression a little. I can usually control it myself. There have been occasions when I would have loved something to combat it with that was more than just me and my mind. Like for instance a trax train or something like that. Harrison one of my best friends made me so mad one night because he wouldn't throw me under. I guess I can forgive him for that. He is a pretty great guy sometimes ;-). He has dealt with his fair share of my depressive episodes, as has Eric. Both super troopers. Anyway, I digress…

So yesterday, or the evening before I guess, I started down a dark road. I had just gotten home from an amazing evening with an amazing guy. We had gone on a hike and had such great conversation while we were hiking and after. Well, when I got home I got on line and started thinking, I allowed Braden in my mind, never a good idea, I mean NEVER!!!. Braden gets all sorts of crazy when he gets in there. But anyway I allowed myself to start comparing myself to others. And I started to find all the things that I was not good at, or had failed at, or quit because they were hard. Like difficulties in school, which if I don't graduate I can't be a funeral director, which means I am a bad intern, which means I suck at life, which means I hate myself. And there is always the fitness things, and the financial things, and the relationship things. Just life in general, if you allow yourself to get yourself down life is just misery.

Well, I woke up yesterday morning with this depression really trying to set in. It was the beginning of a long weekend. I could not let this depression waste my weekend. I had to do something and I had to do it fast. So the first thing I did was to get Braden out of my head. The Second was to get out of bed. I know that should have been the first but, Braden gets cranky if he is ousted too early. Then I started thinking of the things that I could do to conquer this depression before it got rooted in and ruined my week. So I looked at my life and I looked at the feelings that I have been feeling. I have been doing a lot of self reflection as of late, checking my moods and feelings when they change and why they change. It is a good thing to do. Sometimes it can make you crazy. 

The Eric Perry Project

Well, when I feel myself getting depressed, and have caught it soon enough, there are a few things that I can do to lessen the depression or totally kick it. The first I get super productive and try to catch up on all the things that I have let slide. I want to make up for all the things that I have not accomplished or completed. I try to make up for the failures of the past month, week, or day in one day. For example my room, and The Eric Perry Project, and my car, and school stuff. So I started out the day filling out an application for a new school. Then I cleaned my room and made my bed (Not much is better than a nicely made bed to climb in after a good day). And a few other things that I needed to get done, I even made a shopping list. I don't make shopping lists unless I am serious about it.

Another thing I do when I am depressed is run. I just started running so it is all new to me. But, Running to me is very productive. It is cleansing, it is healthy, it is mindless, it is just great. So I decided to run. Best decision I made. I wanted to run 6.2 miles, because that is two miles more than I had ever run before in my life. So I plotted my run on my handy dandy macbook with my handy dandy google maps. I figured I would run down 3rd east to 2100, up to 4050 north, and back to my apt. 6.1 miles actually. So I started and I ran the first three miles, and kept telling myself I can do the 6 miles. Well, I got done with the 6 miles and I told myself I could do 9 miles, and I did it. I almost stopped a few times but I didn't. It turned out to only be 8.7 miles but Close enough, right? While I was running I just kept telling myself you can do it. I followed the two rules of running that KC, informed me of…Rule #1 Start running. Rule # 2 keep running. I did it. I ran 8.7 miles. I got home and had to tell people. I told KC and my Boss and then of course had to post it on Facebook. It felt so great. And that was the start to the self confidence rebuild. I accomplished something that until I did it I didn't think I could, an incredible feeling indeed. Accomplishing things makes one feel that much better about who they are. 

So the moral of the story is… When I feel the depression I try to out run the depression with other stuff, don't let it catch up. It works for me for the most part. I am proud to say I have never been medicated for my depression. Not that medication is bad, some people need it. I am not there. I just need to keep my mind in the up and up and remember I am a great person and I have accomplished things and I have a lot more to accomplish. i am awaiting my next accomplishment. It may be getting this posted before it goes another page or two. 

Thanks to those who read my posts. Makes me feel special. =) And thanks for not judging the writing skills. Especially since I used the word Well a lot!!! Love you and hope you the best in your days!!!

What made you choose this?

Why did I decide to become a funeral Director?

That is a question that I am asked pretty much every time someone hears that that is what I am doing with my life. I have yet to come up with a great short response to that. I mean I say it just seemed right, or i was drawn to it. But what does that mean?

There are three main points in my life that I believe brought me to where I am now.

Care Center in Hurricane

So, going back in time. Are you ready for this? I believe we are back in 1997-2000, which would have made me 14-17 years old, somewhere in there. I was living with my family in Hurricane, Utah. My father was the administrator of the Zion rehab or something like that. The name evades me at this moment. The home that we lived in from 1996 to 1999/2000, which was an old polygamist home, was connected to the care center. Like literally we had a door that separated our living quarters from the care center. Odd? yes!! Part of my life that will never be forgotten where great memories were made? Most Definitely!!!!!!!! So what does this have to do with my current career choice? Well Where our house was situated when the funeral personnel would come to the care center they would park in front of our house. So growing up those years there I would see them go in and then  I would see them leave. I never thought anything of it. Other than the fact that they drove really cool cars and that I wanted to drive one of them someday. I am weird I know. 

Also while living there one of the local funeral home owners would take my dad and his employees and their families to his cabin ontop of Kolob Mountain. We would have a great time. So you know it makes you think, "Ok these guys have a great life; they drive cool cars, they have cabins in the woods, they have lots of money, they can do whatever they want really. I mean people aren't dying every hour of everyday." Well, I didn't really think THAT much about it as a kid. But it definitely left and impression.

The next point in time that I was indirectly directed to the funeral industry was when I was seventeen. One of my grandma's (my father's mother) was very sick. So we went to California so that we could visit her. I am so glad we were able to. She was in the hospital the first couple of days we were there. Then she was placed on hospice care and they brought her to her home so she could pass away in a more comfortable setting. She wasn't conscious her last few days of her life. It was a weird feeling seeing my father saying goodbye to his mother. (as I sit here my emotions are coming up, which is weird for me.) At that time in my life I wasn't a very emotional person. I never cried those days. I remember the night grandma bebe passed away. I was woken up by my grandma Williams and was told that grandma Bebe had passed away and that mom and dad had already gone to her home. I was told to gather my younger siblings and drive to grandma's place. Mind you this was before gps was big and we were in modesto california, I had been to grandma bebe's once earlier that day. But we made it with no problems. I remember sitting in the room and we had a family prayer and then the suits came in and started their thing. My mom told me that I could cry it was ok. I didn't say much but I knew I didn't need to cry. I knew she was in a better place and she was no longer in pain. Her mortal body was holding her back at that point. When the funeral home covered her face with the sheet almost everyone in the room had to look away. I remember thinking it was odd that no of this was bothering me. I was ok with death. I was ok with the knowledge I had of what happens after this life. I knew Grandma would be watching down on us and she loved us very much. (maybe one day I will tell of the day that her death finally did catch up to me and I hurt bad, but that is another story). So my grandma dying brought me to the realization that death was not something that effected me the same way it does others.

The third major indirect directer was when I was serving in Lewiston, Idaho on my LDS mission. There was a gentleman in one of the wards that I was serving in who was a funeral director. We maybe had one conversation about his work, but nothing significant. But meeting him helped me realized that being a Funeral Director was something that anyone really could get into if they had it in them. It isn't something only royalty can be entitled to. I didn't have to be born into the elite family that ruled the funeral industry. Yes, it makes it harder but it is not a requirement. I believe this gentleman's mother stood up in Church one day and said something about it as well. I remember being in shock that she said something nice. She was always the mean lady we tried to avoid.

So there is my "short" summary as to where the direction for my career choice came from. Taking all of this into account I also thought about what I wanted in my life. Being in the funeral industry I am enlightened by a spirit that not many have the privilege to experience regularly. (We all know I need all the spiritual experiences I can get) ;)

Maybe if I remember I will tell of my experience so far in the funeral industry. I have been an intern for almost 3 years now.

Until then, You now know more about the man behind the shadow, Right?

Part of the man behind the Shadow growing up!

Not to make everyone panic. I am not suicidal. I really do love my life and am excited to see where it will take me. I love my family and my friends.

Suicide IS something that I have thought a lot about in the past and recent past. (Again, I am not suicidal. I have no plans to kill myself.) But it is something that I have taken quite a bit of thought about.

I am guessing I have minor depression issues (according to some of my friends I am clinically insane, but they call me friend so you know they can't be all that sane either) ;)

Growing up I have always been one to keep things to myself. (Even if you don't think I do, you would be amazed at what I don't say out loud). One of my families favorite things to tell about me is about my ability to hold something in until it is most everyone else has forgotten about it, and then let it out. My mom tells of the time that we were living in Y mount terrace at BYU and us kids a long with the neighbor kids were playing outside and one of the other kids did something to me and I just let it go, until their back was turned and they had forgotten about it, I went up and BIT them. I am still that way to some degree. I bottle things up until I can no longer handle it and just let it out. 

In school I can only think of two people who really picked on me. One was JB (for the sake of privacy I guess), and the other was JS. JB picked on me in middle school. JS didn't really join in until high school. I recall one moment in Hurricane Middle school walking down the hall toward the Commons Area (lunch area) just minding my own business and all of the sudden I was on the floor. JB had come up behind me and kicked me in the back. That was 14 years ago. I still remember it very well. Later, in high school he and JS would make fun of me for being gay. I wasn't out. I wasn't even out to myself back then. They would make fun of me about my relationship with my best friend. I don't know if my best friend at the time ever got any flack for it. But I did. I remember that so well because JS was my bishops son. And we had had some really amazing conversations before. Like the kind you don't easily forget. Like you really connect and can feel what the other is feeling and such. And here he was making fun of me and calling me gay. It killed me. I bottled that up inside me.

I would bottle it up inside so much that I had become numb to emotion. I don't think I cried from high school until while on my mission and then some time after. I was emotionally numb  to life. 

In high school I remember first having the thought…"I could so easily drive my car off the road right now and roll down that hill into that raven and everything will be over." "I mean one flick of the wheel and this can all end." 

I don't know what it was that kept me from doing that. I don't know if it was the thought of my family or what friends I did have. Or maybe it was the thought of wrecking my beloved car. (good ol' gev. may he rest in peace.)But I am here today so obviously I didn't do it…. TO BE CONTINUED!!!

BEWARE

Some thoughts from my mind!!!!! Scary! 

This is territory not shown often!!!

So there are a lot of things that have gone through my mind in the past few weeks, some fleeting thoughts and some more meaningful thoughts. I don't even know where to begin.

First I want to just say something, there is someone in my life who I pushed away because life was overwhelming and things were just so out of control in my mind that I did the only thing that I thought I could actually control. I pushed the one person who I could count on being there  for me no matter what, out of my life. I said some very mean things. Many of them needed to be said but I said them out of spite instead of out of love and concern for them. there is one thing that I said that I really truly wish I hadn't said. I told him that he was a terrible person and that I was just blind to that. I told him everyone else was right. That he was worthless and that I no longer could associate with him. I just want to clear something up. I still think that HArrison Spendlove is and incredible person. I think he has a lot of potential to do many amazing things through out his life. We just got caught up in the drama of now and I allowed that to frustrate me. I really wish I could go back and take that back. But as we all know that is impossible. Words do not work that way. I miss the conversations we would have. He was the one person that I would open up to and never could hide anything from him for long. He always seemed to get me to talk even if i didn't want to. I miss him for very selfish reasons. I miss that I don't have that person I can talk with and yell at and he will still love me in the end. Harrison was a true friend to me and I pushed him away. How often I do that is ridiculous. Many people only saw the arrogant and negative side of him. I got to see regularly the side that most people didn't. He loved me for me.  He came after me when the person who should have cared most about me left me out in the rain. He has taught me many things about myself and life. I wish I could have this conversation with him, but he more than likely hates me and wishes  that I would just disappear and never come back. And that kills me.  Harrison Spendlove you are a good person and an AMAZING friend. Love you!!!

And I guess that is my post. More things to come as I can conjure them in my mind and make them coherent for others to follow. haha Not that this post was coherent but i just had to get it out. 

Good night!!!

Coming out!! I finally did it!!!!

Today is a day to celebrate who we are!!!!

So As I sit here today contemplating this move, I have gone back and forth and back and forth. Tis not an easy thing for me to admit that I am different. I like being part of the 'normal' population. But at the same time I love being who I am. I Love Braden Williams Dunbar. I am a great person and have lived a fairly blessed life. I have an amazing family who love me. I have great friends who are willing to stand by me even when I am being anything but a true friend. 

The move that I am making today is to tell the world of Facebook that I, Braden Williams Dunbar, am a Gay man. And I am not ashamed of it. I am proud of who I am and what I have done with my life.

Happy National Coming Out day. 

Now my initial coming out to myself and my family took a little more effort and courage than a Facebook status.

I came out to one of my aunts, my Aunt Randy more than a year ago probably a year and half two years ago. I chose her because she lived in Hawaii and I knew she would just listen to me. I haven't spoken to her about it since. Which I may change soon.

Next I told Juliann, the best sister I could have asked for, a few months later. I took her out to lunch and as we pulled into the parking lot to her work i told her there was more. I said "I mean I will take my favorite sister to lunch anytime but there is something I have to tell you". so then I told her and she said she loved me and would support me with my choice to act on these feelings. She is truly and amazing support to me.

After telling her and many friends I felt I had the support I needed to be able to go tell my parents. I told them March 20th. I had just gotten back from a trip to visit Grandpa Dunbar, Aunt Anne and Cousin Katie. I was really nervous, but I knew I needed to just do it. I had gone to Stake Conference with them earlier that day. They had just woken up from their Sunday nap and I went in and just kind of told them. And left them with a book to read. We hugged and I walked out got in my car and drove back to SLC. I didn't cry until later that night as I thought about what had just happen. And the potential for some life altering shock waves. Luckily I am blessed with amazing parents and siblings who had already put ripples in the Dunbar pool of perfection. I am grateful for the family that I was blessed with. None of us are perfect and none of us expect the others to be. 

Next it was time to tell the brothers. Most of you don't know my brothers. You can Facebook stalk them if you would like. they are Doug, Randall, and Jarom. They are all pretty cool guys. I didn't want to have to come out three more times. So I was working on telling them. Actually Jarom was the first of the boys to know. He asked me the day of mother's graduation if I was gay. And I answered him honestly. I believe this was right after I had told the parents. But I told Randall and Doug through and email that I sent to them and others of my family. In the email I explained that I love them and appreciated the years we spent together growing up.

They didn't respond for a bit. When they did respond they responded with the I love you but don't support the lifestyle. I love them and can just hope that throughout time they will be willing to be open minded and love me for who exactly I am.

I have had many friends who have given me endless support through my coming out to family. Through listening to me talk about the boys I am dating and on and on. If I could list them all I would. But the few that I know really need to be mentioned are Harrison Spendlove, he has been one of the biggest supports of mine. Even though he wouldn't take me out of this life when I begged him to.

And I would Also like to thank, even though they won't be reading this, those guys that I have dated. I am glad that I was able to meet each of you and will treasure the lessons learned. Thank you Ty, and Steven and Jeff. You each brought a new part to my life that I didn't know I needed. 

I look forward to the day that I will find the man that I can spend my life with. I know it is possible and I know that I want that.

thank you all for reading this. I know it is a little long but it is all what I needed to say. I am sure I will think of something I wish I would have said.

Feel free to comment and post I would love the feed back. 

I love you and hope that You can still see that I am still the lovable and loving Braden Williams Dunbar.

=)

True Friends

The more I learn of myself the more I dislike myself. I believe this is the case with everyone in my life as well. The more someone gets to know me the fewer friends I have. I have few friends who I can say other wise, and why they are still around is such a mystery to me. I really struggle when people whom I want to be accepted by reject me and hurt me. It lingers for a really long time. I don’t make a lot of friends, but the friends that I make are most definitely quality. That is why when one of them breaks my trust and my heart, it hurts so badly. And when another one tells me that being around me is not his favorite thing. It burns. I make friends for keeps not just to have a big number. I am not a friend whore; I won’t call you a friend unless I actually consider you a friend. Now to help me realize what I actually have, and to show you all what true friends are, My bestest best friend Harrison…

Harrison: We met under… let’s just say… we met under unusual circumstances. We met just about a year ago. In the past year we have been through a lot together. A lot of annoyances, hate-filled conversations, a lot of mistrust, misuse, a lot of care and concern, a lot of rough days, but also a lot of great times, and most importantly a lot of love. No matter how crappy I treat him he is there. He is there for me no matter the time of day, or how angry I am. Has been one of my best friends that I have ever had. Even a couple of weeks ago when I wasn’t in my right mind I told him that if he loved me and was a true friend he would just let me die, I wanted to die so badly, He wouldn’t listen to me, that little shit!!! Even now if I were to go to him and tell him what I am feeling, even though he is with his friends right now, he would talk to me. He would help me understand what is going on. He would help me in his own frustrating way to get through it. Many people don’t believe me when I say that Harrison is freaking awesome, but he really is. If you don’t believe me just find out for yourself. You have to actually get to know him, But he is loyal, and kind, and loving, and genuine, and…!! I know that Harrison would be there for me even if I did do something stupid. He would even make up some stupid story that no one would believe just to help me not look so pathetic. I love this man and will always be true to him because he has always been true to me even in our rough times. And those who can call him friend consider yourselves lucky!!! =)

And the most recent person whom I consider to be lucky to be friends with me is, Jalopy. He is this really cool guy who sneak attacked me into a date with him. He is so sneaky. We have been friends for almost a year, but due to some ‘situations’ we never really got close, we would chat once in a long while and then not chat again for a long while. But then the AMAZING musical RENT came to town and we went together with a few other people. He sure knew what he was doing. I have not been ready to date due to the recent breaking of my heart and destroying of my trust in other people. But he did just the right things and said the right things and was just the right guy. Jalopy is someone who I have always considered a great guy. But in the past few weeks as we have talked and chatted I have come to find out that he is incredible. He has his head securely fastened and he loves himself unlike a lot of people I know, He has goals and desires for his life. He talks to me like I am someone to care about and not just a project or a client. He is by far too good for me and I don’t know what it is that he see’s in me! I hope that when He gets to know me better he doesn’t run away. He makes me feel great about myself. Back a few weeks ago I posted on the Great Book of Face that I wanted someone that had a weird that matches mine. Well jalopy is weird and his weird and my weird match really well. He doesn’t judge me when I start dancing in public or when I sing in weird obnoxious voices. Or when I do Braden characteristic things. He likes me and I like him. Haha!! And if any of you that may possibly be reading this don’t know, I am gay!! Haha

Well anyway this has gone on far too long already, I have many more amazing people in my life, and someday I will introduce them all to you. Here to list a few; Brittany P., Erica J., Nicholass, Spencer, Nicole S., and through Harrison- Tylor T., and many more!!!! I love you all and hope that I don’t and won’t disappoint you too much throughout the time that we know each other

And thanks to Jordan for helping me get this posted correctly! haha
Braden

The who I am #1

I am Braden Williams Dunbar, I come from a line of amazing people. I am privileged to carry both my mother's maiden name and my father's surname. I am proud of those of my family that have come before me. My first name and the coming about of me being called Braden are just another part of who I am.
My mother wanted to be able to call me Brady while i was a kid. She didn't want that to be my real name, just a nickname. So she decided on Braydon. She has thought that she had made this name up. Come to find out there were a few Braydons around already. But still creative if i do say so myself.
Luckily mom didn't like the way she had spelled it so she had it changed. I much prefer Braden over the many other spellings out there, ie: Braydon, Brayden, Braydun, Braiden, Braidon, Braidun, Braiden, Bradun, Bradon. I think my spelling, of course, is the best and most esthetically pleasing way of spelling it. I get called Brandon by most people and it used to bother me. But I have come to the conclusion, who cares, They don't know me and when they do get to know me they won't make that mistake very often. hehe.
I love my full name and the power that is behind each section of it.  If you think about it, I am as unique and amazing as my name itself. I mean never in my life have I had another Braden in a class at school or anything like that. The closest thing to having someone with that same name as me was as a missionary, Another Elder in the mission was a Braden as well. So the name is unique. And for those of you that haven't had the opportunity to play the middle name guessing game with me. You are lucky. No one every really wins, My middle name is not William, it is WIlliams, totally different. And i wouldn't tell people they got it right if they guessed WIlliam. I am proud of the chance i have to be named after my mother's side of the family. Yes growing up and hating to write I despised having such a long middle name, but i have found the fun of writing it. It is a really fun name/word to write in cursive.
One of my favorite things about my name as many of you have been told probably multiple times, is that if you take my first name and my last name all the letters match except for the E and the U so cool. You don't have to agree about the coolness but i think it is fantastic. How many of you can say that about your names?
Well I have now gone on way to long about my name. I would encourage you to look at your name and see what you can write about it. This has been fun, and I have been able to gain a stronger appreciation for my name as I have done this. Wow that was fun!! haha
Random I know but what are blogs for? =)