Monday, May 28, 2012

Out Running Depression

So many of you know I struggle with depression a little. I can usually control it myself. There have been occasions when I would have loved something to combat it with that was more than just me and my mind. Like for instance a trax train or something like that. Harrison one of my best friends made me so mad one night because he wouldn't throw me under. I guess I can forgive him for that. He is a pretty great guy sometimes ;-). He has dealt with his fair share of my depressive episodes, as has Eric. Both super troopers. Anyway, I digress…

So yesterday, or the evening before I guess, I started down a dark road. I had just gotten home from an amazing evening with an amazing guy. We had gone on a hike and had such great conversation while we were hiking and after. Well, when I got home I got on line and started thinking, I allowed Braden in my mind, never a good idea, I mean NEVER!!!. Braden gets all sorts of crazy when he gets in there. But anyway I allowed myself to start comparing myself to others. And I started to find all the things that I was not good at, or had failed at, or quit because they were hard. Like difficulties in school, which if I don't graduate I can't be a funeral director, which means I am a bad intern, which means I suck at life, which means I hate myself. And there is always the fitness things, and the financial things, and the relationship things. Just life in general, if you allow yourself to get yourself down life is just misery.

Well, I woke up yesterday morning with this depression really trying to set in. It was the beginning of a long weekend. I could not let this depression waste my weekend. I had to do something and I had to do it fast. So the first thing I did was to get Braden out of my head. The Second was to get out of bed. I know that should have been the first but, Braden gets cranky if he is ousted too early. Then I started thinking of the things that I could do to conquer this depression before it got rooted in and ruined my week. So I looked at my life and I looked at the feelings that I have been feeling. I have been doing a lot of self reflection as of late, checking my moods and feelings when they change and why they change. It is a good thing to do. Sometimes it can make you crazy. 

The Eric Perry Project
Well, when I feel myself getting depressed, and have caught it soon enough, there are a few things that I can do to lessen the depression or totally kick it. The first I get super productive and try to catch up on all the things that I have let slide. I want to make up for all the things that I have not accomplished or completed. I try to make up for the failures of the past month, week, or day in one day. For example my room, and The Eric Perry Project, and my car, and school stuff. So I started out the day filling out an application for a new school. Then I cleaned my room and made my bed (Not much is better than a nicely made bed to climb in after a good day). And a few other things that I needed to get done, I even made a shopping list. I don't make shopping lists unless I am serious about it.

Another thing I do when I am depressed is run. I just started running so it is all new to me. But, Running to me is very productive. It is cleansing, it is healthy, it is mindless, it is just great. So I decided to run. Best decision I made. I wanted to run 6.2 miles, because that is two miles more than I had ever run before in my life. So I plotted my run on my handy dandy macbook with my handy dandy google maps. I figured I would run down 3rd east to 2100, up to 4050 north, and back to my apt. 6.1 miles actually. So I started and I ran the first three miles, and kept telling myself I can do the 6 miles. Well, I got done with the 6 miles and I told myself I could do 9 miles, and I did it. I almost stopped a few times but I didn't. It turned out to only be 8.7 miles but Close enough, right? While I was running I just kept telling myself you can do it. I followed the two rules of running that KC, informed me of…Rule #1 Start running. Rule # 2 keep running. I did it. I ran 8.7 miles. I got home and had to tell people. I told KC and my Boss and then of course had to post it on Facebook. It felt so great. And that was the start to the self confidence rebuild. I accomplished something that until I did it I didn't think I could, an incredible feeling indeed. Accomplishing things makes one feel that much better about who they are. 

So the moral of the story is… When I feel the depression I try to out run the depression with other stuff, don't let it catch up. It works for me for the most part. I am proud to say I have never been medicated for my depression. Not that medication is bad, some people need it. I am not there. I just need to keep my mind in the up and up and remember I am a great person and I have accomplished things and I have a lot more to accomplish. i am awaiting my next accomplishment. It may be getting this posted before it goes another page or two. 

Thanks to those who read my posts. Makes me feel special. =) And thanks for not judging the writing skills. Especially since I used the word Well a lot!!! Love you and hope you the best in your days!!!

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