Thursday, May 3, 2012

Part of the man behind the Shadow growing up!

Not to make everyone panic. I am not suicidal. I really do love my life and am excited to see where it will take me. I love my family and my friends.

Suicide IS something that I have thought a lot about in the past and recent past. (Again, I am not suicidal. I have no plans to kill myself.) But it is something that I have taken quite a bit of thought about.

I am guessing I have minor depression issues (according to some of my friends I am clinically insane, but they call me friend so you know they can't be all that sane either) ;)

Growing up I have always been one to keep things to myself. (Even if you don't think I do, you would be amazed at what I don't say out loud). One of my families favorite things to tell about me is about my ability to hold something in until it is most everyone else has forgotten about it, and then let it out. My mom tells of the time that we were living in Y mount terrace at BYU and us kids a long with the neighbor kids were playing outside and one of the other kids did something to me and I just let it go, until their back was turned and they had forgotten about it, I went up and BIT them. I am still that way to some degree. I bottle things up until I can no longer handle it and just let it out. 

In school I can only think of two people who really picked on me. One was JB (for the sake of privacy I guess), and the other was JS. JB picked on me in middle school. JS didn't really join in until high school. I recall one moment in Hurricane Middle school walking down the hall toward the Commons Area (lunch area) just minding my own business and all of the sudden I was on the floor. JB had come up behind me and kicked me in the back. That was 14 years ago. I still remember it very well. Later, in high school he and JS would make fun of me for being gay. I wasn't out. I wasn't even out to myself back then. They would make fun of me about my relationship with my best friend. I don't know if my best friend at the time ever got any flack for it. But I did. I remember that so well because JS was my bishops son. And we had had some really amazing conversations before. Like the kind you don't easily forget. Like you really connect and can feel what the other is feeling and such. And here he was making fun of me and calling me gay. It killed me. I bottled that up inside me.
I would bottle it up inside so much that I had become numb to emotion. I don't think I cried from high school until while on my mission and then some time after. I was emotionally numb  to life. 

In high school I remember first having the thought…"I could so easily drive my car off the road right now and roll down that hill into that raven and everything will be over." "I mean one flick of the wheel and this can all end." 

I don't know what it was that kept me from doing that. I don't know if it was the thought of my family or what friends I did have. Or maybe it was the thought of wrecking my beloved car. (good ol' gev. may he rest in peace.)But I am here today so obviously I didn't do it…. TO BE CONTINUED!!!


  1. Being a teenager is tough under any circumstances. I sometimes wonder if anyone - popular or not, jock or not, whatever or not, that comes out emotionally unscathed. I'm sorry someone you considered your friend treated you that way. And I'm glad you outgrew the biting thing. :)

  2. Suicide is still such a taboo subject in our culture. I am proud that you are able to talk about it out in the open-its still hard for a lot of people to hear/know about but so important for people to try and see others clearer. So, I guess what I am saying is good job, let it out, and help others to be more informed. :)

  3. Thanks grandmamarie!! I am sure glad I outgrew the biting, for the most part. It is not longer out of anger, just annoyance! =) I am so sad when I hear of suicides. I know many people's lives are so much harder than mine, But I want to reach out and help each of them. I just wish there were more I could do. I guess it is up to all of us to help other's feel the love that is there for them.